My two sons are in their early twenties now, and looking back, I can see more clearly what mattered most during their teen years—and it wasn’t what I expected.
As my boys grew older, I had to learn something new about love.
There was a season when loving them felt simple and obvious. They sat in my lap while I read them books. We played endless games. They wanted to be near me all the time. I never wondered if they felt my love—because it was constant and visible.
Then, as they moved into their teen years, love didn’t disappear—but it did change.
They didn’t want to sit close anymore. They didn’t linger in the same ways. And at times, it felt like they hardly wanted to be around me at all. I had to remind myself that this wasn’t rejection—it was development. They were growing, stretching, becoming more independent.
What surprised me most was this: love still mattered just as much to them. They just needed to receive it differently.
That realization shifted everything. Instead of trying to love them the way I always had, I started paying attention to the moments when they seemed most at ease, most open, most themselves. And in those moments, I discovered new ways to say, “I love you.”
Learning to Love Side-by-Side
When my boys were teenagers—and even now—I learned something important.
They didn’t always want conversation.
They didn’t always want questions.
And they definitely didn’t want to feel like they were being evaluated.
What they wanted most, more often than not, was simply to be together.
Sometimes that meant sitting in the same room, doing completely different things. They’d be on their phones. I’d be reading or folding laundry. No big conversations. No agenda. No pressure to engage. No reminders about chores.
Just being together—comfortably, quietly, without criticism or correction.
Over time, I realized this was one of the ways they heard “I love you.”
Connection didn’t always happen face-to-face. Often, it happened shoulder-to-shoulder. Being nearby without expectations, quietly said, You’re safe here.
Sometimes a hug really is what’s needed! Read these 10 Ways a Hug Can Transform Your Teen.
Lunch, Hoodies, and Showing Up in Their World
Another thing I learned along the way? My boys hear “I love you” very clearly through shared time and thoughtful effort.
If I want to connect, I don’t start with a serious conversation. I invite them to lunch at their favorite Mexican restaurant. (Hint: they never turn down lunch.) Sitting across from tacos lowers defenses. It feels familiar. Easy. Safe.
Cooking their favorite meal does the same thing. So does picking up a new oversized hoodie from a brand they love. Those things say, I notice you. I remember what matters to you.
Sometimes love also looks like inviting them into something they enjoy—pickleball, a local arcade, the driving range, a walk. Not because it’s my favorite activity, but because it’s theirs.
Love often sounds like: I’m willing to step into your world.
Love That Cares Enough to Guide
As much as teens need comfort, they also need direction.
I learned that one of the most loving things I could do was care enough to encourage what was good for them—even when it wasn’t met with enthusiasm.
- Encouraging church attendance.
- Helping them stay connected to healthy friends.
- Paying attention to how much time they were spending on social media—and how it was affecting them.
These moments didn’t always earn a positive response. And that was okay.
Sometimes love says, I care more about your well-being than about how you respond to me right now.
That message matters—even when it’s resisted.
Asking Better Questions Than “How Was Your Day?”
I also learned that connection didn’t come from asking more questions—it came from asking better ones.
“How was your day?” rarely worked. It usually earned a shrug or a one-word answer.
But when I learned to ask questions that invited reflection instead of summaries, something shifted.
Questions like:
What was the best part of your day?
What was the hardest part?
What made you laugh today?
What’s something you’re looking forward to this week?
Curiosity opens doors that surface-level questions keep closed. And we all know getting teens to talk is like opening a well-secured safe!
The goal was never interrogation. It was invitation.
Need more help talking to your teen? Check out our Teen Talk Conversation Cards and Top 5 Communication Tips for Parents of Teens.
A Simple Text That Still Speaks Love
As my boys became more independent, I also learned that connection didn’t always have to happen in person.
Sometimes it showed up in a simple text.
Nothing long. Nothing heavy. Just a short note in the middle of the day—sometimes encouragement, sometimes a verse—letting them know I was thinking about them and believed in them.
One of my sons often replied with, “Thank you so much, Mom.”
The other—never one for many words—rarely responded at all.
For a while, I wondered if those messages even mattered.
But over time, I realized something important: response isn’t the same as impact.
I know those texts meant something—not because he said it, but because of how our connection stayed steady over the years. The quiet consistency. The trust. The way he still shows up.
A verse like “You are strong, and you’ve got this,” or “The Lord is with you wherever you go” (Joshua 1:9) can meet a teen right where they are—especially when they’re facing something hard and don’t know how to ask for support.
You may not always get a reply. That doesn’t mean the message didn’t sink in.
Meeting Them Where They Are
One of the most freeing lessons I learned as a mom is this: love doesn’t have to look the same in every season.
Sometimes love looks like conversation.
Sometimes it looks like quiet presence.
Sometimes it looks like tacos, hoodies, encouragement, boundaries, or better questions.
Scripture reminds us that love is patient and kind (1 Corinthians 13:4). Patient enough to wait. Kind enough to pay attention.
A Final Word of Encouragement
If you’re in a season where loving your teen feels uncertain, let this reassure you:
The small things matter.
The invitations matter.
The guidance matters.
The showing up—again and again—matters.
At House of Hope, we believe love expressed consistently—through presence, encouragement, and care—creates safety. And safety is often what allows teens to grow.
Looking back now, this is what I know: love didn’t disappear as my boys grew older.
It simply changed shape.
And that kind of love lasts.
